My eyes fluttered open to the shrieking sound filling my room. Adrenaline shot through my body as I raced to my feet. My once-perfect bed sheets now lay sprawled across the floor. I flew into the hallway to find my parents already halfway to my room.
“Mom-” I began to yell, but my sentence was cut short. The house was shaking now, and with a crash, the ground below me ceased to exist. My footing was lost and I plummeted to whatever would find me below.
Pain shot through my body the second I touched the ground, however the adrenaline stimulated me to rise to my feet. I hit the ground running, barely acknowledging the rubble behind me, which had once existed as a stairwell. My legs carried me to the front door, where my hand twisted the knob, opening me up to the outdoors. It was anarchy. Cars sped rampantly down the streets, paying no mind to the signs which had once controlled them. Fire rained from the open pure blue sky. The trees, which had once embodied this homestyle neighborhood, were in a blaze. I had stopped in my tracks to gaze upon this scene. Suddenly, a feeling washed over me, as the realization of the whereabouts of my parents hit me. I began to turn around, as to backtrack, when my eye was caught, and my attention turned. Up in the air, at the height of a low-flying plane was what appeared to be an aircraft, although the only evidence leading to this being an aircraft was its capability to fly. The similarities ended there, as this structure lacked wings, and was shaped into almost a triangle. --And it was not the only one. Maybe a dozen flew throughout the sky, spewing the fire rain where they went. Almost instantaneously, my eyes locked into a fragment approaching me from the aircraft. With only a second to react, I threw myself to the other end of the porch. The fire rain hit the ground next to me, bursting the porch into flames. My vision began to blur, and I was overcome with fatigue. I tried to get up but my legs wouldn’t let me. The adrenaline was gone. And then everything was black...
The description here effectively portrays the hastiness with which the events are being conducted, the frenzied mind of the narrator... words like 'adrenaline', 'plummeted', 'anarchy', and 'rampantly' really help to effect this... We see the environment, and the chaos it is in, but at a blur, various descriptions passing quickly to suggest the pace at which the narrator is moving.
ReplyDeleteThe tale starts off with an exciting hook, and leaves us on a cliffhanger with a plethora of unanswered questions (why is the house crumbling?, what has become of the parents?, what are the aircrafts?); it certainly leaves the reader wanting more. An exciting piece...
The detail I find most chilling is how the cars just speeding in all directions without regard to signs and rules; to me, that really indicates that all the norms of civilization are out the window and it’s just anarchy.
ReplyDeleteIt’s so interesting how the passage begins with the destruction of the house (and potentially even the character’s family) and then zooms out to reveal the wider destruction of the whole neighborhood—potentially of society as a whole? It keeps readers on the edge of their seats because the horror just keeps growing. You also do a great job of maintaining suspense by waiting till the end to explain why this is happening!
You grab the reader from the first sentence and take them with you through the horrors to the end. I do not know if I am brave enough to stay with you for what comes next.
ReplyDeleteSounds a lot like Ranger Luke's mornings
ReplyDeleteHi Lucas;
ReplyDeleteWhat a suspenseful story that you have woven together here. I like the way that you used the word Adrenaline both to describe your initial excitement and then at the end were your character becomes completely exhausted.Did your protagonists parents survive the ordeal? Please keep writing!
I really like how you add the detail of fire coming out of a pure blue sky; it's an image that is simultaneously beautiful and terrifying. I feel that it adds a surreal quality to this piece of writing. The idea of "fire rain" being poured down a normal part of the country on a normal day with a clear blue sky is chilling. Nice attention to detail!
ReplyDeleteThis scene is great...really moves you quickly and energetically through what is happening. I especially like that you address the influence of adrenaline and how you collapse when it is gone. Looking forward to the next chapter. Hopefully you will fill us in on the parents whereabouts...
ReplyDelete