It’s April 1775, and the colonists prepared to ambush the Britain soldiers. They hid under the trees and placed weapons under the woods. In the meantime, the founding fathers discuss how they will negotiate with the Spanish and the French for support to win the war. And suddenly, the bell rung, signaling that the fight had started. The colonists roar like lions, the guns shoot and bodies shatter on the ground, smoke filled the sky like clouds of a thunderstorm. After the bombs burst and bloodshed, the British soldiers retreated. And for a moment, silence filled the space. The rest of the colonists checked some bodies to see if they were still alive, and brought the injured ones to a house nearby, where they were taken care of. The war continued and ended in 1783. With no doubt, America is independent.
Short sweet and you capture the battle, you capture the feeling of the end. If you made it about a person and what they felt you would have a story, a great story. You are a good writer.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery is so vivid in this story. The phrases "roar like lions" and "bodies shatter on the ground" put me right in the middle of the action and communicate just how merciless the fighting is. You start off with quiet moments (hiding in the trees, sheltered discussions about politics), which makes the sudden violence that much more shocking.
ReplyDeleteLines like "bodies shatter on the ground" and "silence filled the space" take the reader right into the scene. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptive writing makes it very easy to visualize the actions of the soldiers and the chaos on the battlefield. One thing I would improve on would be to tell the story from the perspective of a soldier, so you can capture all those important thoughts and feelings during the midst of the battle. Otherwise, great piece!
ReplyDeleteYves-Melsien- I was immediately drawn into the story by your description of the start of the Revolutionary War. I especially like reading the sentence that states that"The Colonists roared like lions".I also appreciated how you were able to capture the struggle for Independece not only on the Battlefield but, also in the Halls of Congress. I hope that you will continue to develop the story and take us beyond Independence.
ReplyDeleteYves-Melsien- I enjoyed to way portrayed the battles, almost like a prize fight- "the bell rung, signaling that the fight had started."
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