I was on my bed singing along to the song that played on my radio while doing my homework. “Ain't no mountain high enough, Ain't no valley low enough, Ain't no riv- hey what the heck are you doing!?!” I yelled turning to my annoying little sister Tammy, who had turned my radio off.
“Your boyfriend's outside,” she said with her everlasting attitude. “Boyfriend?” I asked looking at her crazy. “Yeah, boyfriend - don’t be playing dumb now, acting like I don’t be seeing you and the boy from down the street all hugged up on each other. Mama know you got a boyfriend?” she asked.
I rolled my eyes at her, got up, walked to the window and there he was, Khalil Shabazz, but everybody on the block called him Junior even though he wasn’t a junior. I think it's because he looks so much like his daddy. We met a year ago when my Mama, Tammy, and I moved on the block. Now here he was in front of my house, sitting on the hood of a shiny red 1965 Ford Mustang convertible, fiddling with his fingers.
“Wow.” I gaped at the beauty of the car. I opened up the window and screamed “Khalil Shabazz!” He looked up at me smiling. “Wassup, Laura?’’ he asked, laughing at my shocked face.
“You like?” he said, running his hand over the hood. “What white person car you stole?” I asked, not believing what I was seeing. Sucking his teeth, he said “Now you know I bought this with my hard earned money. Now come down here and look at this beauty up close.” He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was down the steps and out the house in no time.
“It’s even more pretty up close,” I said, mesmerized. Khalil just laughed. “How can you afford this?” I asked looking in his eyes. “You know I been working at my dad’s job full time ever since I decided to take a gap year. Also, it's an older model, so it’s cheaper,” he explained. “But you know what I can finally do this.” He said with a smirk. “What?” I asked with a smile on my face. “Take you out on a date.” He said. My eyes widened in shock. He walked to the car door leaning over and pulled out a bouquet of flowers.
“I’ve known since a year ago I wanted to take you out. But what stopped me from asking then was the thought of taking the prettiest girl ever on a date in the back of my dad’s truck.” He said handing me the flowers. “So what do you say now about this Friday?” He asked with a nervous smile. I kissed his cheek “I will see you Friday.” I said turning around and walking to the door. I opened it and walked inside. I waved one more time before closing the door. Pressing my back on the door I smelled my flowers, and had a permanent smile on my face.
“I knew you had a boyfriend!” Tammy yelled. “Quiet!” I yelled back as I ran up the steps and flopped on my bed. I turned the radio on again, put the volume on blast and laid there and imagined all the fun I was going to have on Friday night.
I love that this is such a telling snapshot of a day in your character's life! You developed so much of Laura in such a short amount of time--her music taste, a little bit of her history in the neighborhood, and even how she gets along with her family. I also appreciate the circularity of the scene: it starts with Laura listening to music in her bedroom and ends the same way. It's as if showing us the stuff that stayed the same highlights how much has changed for her in mere moments.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite element is the dialogue. It reminds me of the passage we read during the dialogue lesson because it's so authentic; it does a great job of portraying the way people genuinely talk in real life, instead of being stiff and formal. I'm also curious to hear more of Laura's internal monologue!
The dialogue is so natural, and I could see much of the scene in my head as I was reading this piece. It left me wanting more of the story - what was Laura imagining the dream date to be?
ReplyDeleteI like the upbeat storyline and the way you developed the action. I wonder what will happen on the date? Very nice technique to leave the reader curious about what happens next.
ReplyDeleteHi Asiyah;
ReplyDeleteI liked very much how you used colloquial language in order to make your characters real and believable in the story. As I read the story it reminded me of growing up with a sometimes very annoying younger sibling. I too would like to know what Laura is imagining a dream date be like?
This dialogue sounds natural and professional! This seems like a very nice setup for a bigger story, what is going to happen on the date? Will everything go well? The red car seems like it could be a plot device to make this story more dramatic or tense. You do a really nice job of stringing the dialogue together, not a just he said she series. Writing things like " I asked with a smile on my face," "I asked mesmerized," "I said looking in his eyes" do so much to brighten this story.
ReplyDeleteI liked your piece so much that I read it twice. I also want to know more about these characters, all of then. You made each one very real. Keep writing.
ReplyDelete