Paranoia
Usually in new group settings, I don't speak. I just enter the room
quietly and sit down. I don't talk and if I am addressed I will speak
in a low, inferior tone. I don't talk because of my distracting lisp
which seems to heighten when I am nervous. Some could look at it as a
sign of being silly and they won't take me seriously.
I won't make eye contact because if I do, I am afraid that they will
look down my neck and arms and notice my eczema and the dark skin that
surrounds it. I am also afraid that they will look at my clothes and
see that they are tight around my blessed curves. I only drink water
and reject food because I am worried people will see my curves and
mistake for them gorging down food. I don't smile cause if I do I am
worried that you will look at my teeth and think "why doesn't she
have braces?" or "can she not afford them?"
I titled this confession paranoia because often I feel that people
look at the so called flaws and think that I am insecure when in fact
I noticed the girl ,who shares some of the same so called flaws, was
ignored by this group of people. So maybe I should change the title
from paranoia to facts of life.
By: Lailah Coleman
I really appreciate how raw and honest this piece is, and I think it speaks to something we can all relate to in our own lives. The use of inner dialogue is especially strong.
ReplyDeleteEmily, I also found the inner dialogue to be powerful in this piece. We all have conversations like this in our heads all the time (or is it just me?).
DeleteWe all have insecurities. I love the way you give voice to your thoughts and feelings. You illustrate the domino effect of fear, perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThis is so honest and real. We all have these feelings, but only some of us are brave enough to ever put them into words. It's sad how the fear of judgment even if it doesn't actually happen silences so many of us.
ReplyDeleteIt takes self-awareness to identify things about yourself that make you feel insecure or afraid for others to notice. When you describe yourself as having flaws, who believes they are flaw? Do you believe the lisp or curves are flaws? What is a flaw?
ReplyDeleteIt takes self-awareness to identify things about yourself that make you feel insecure or afraid for others to notice. When you describe yourself as having flaws, who believes they are flaw? Do you believe the lisp or curves are flaws? What is a flaw?
ReplyDeleteThank you for making yourself so vulnerable with this piece. I can tell you with certainty that these feelings don't change much when you get older. Thank you for putting voice to these very human feelings!
ReplyDeleteThank you for making yourself so vulnerable with this piece. I can tell you with certainty that these feelings don't change much when you get older. Thank you for putting voice to these very human feelings!
ReplyDeleteLeila, I wanted to say that I greatly appreciate the fact that you wrote this piece and that you were willing to share it. I especially liked the line in which you write"I noticed the girl who shared the same flaws ,was ignored by the same group of people. So maybe ,I should change the title from Paranoia to Facts of life". I like the way in which you provide the reader with a sense of overcoming the fear of how you might thing that others perceive you. Please keep writing.
ReplyDeleteVery powerful piece. You covered many emotions in a few words. What are flaws to you now will change over time, but there are always parts of ourselves that we feel should be better. I try to reach out to the person that seems to be left out. Maybe it is just me, but I do not want to miss knowing anyone. People are wonderful, interesting and exciting even the pain in the butt ones.
ReplyDelete